Hard

Pregnancy after loss is really hard. Harder in certain ways a second time, and more emotional than I expected. I thought I'd be more confident, positive and not so scared. Reality took longer to set in this time. I felt more dettached in the beginning, not even really deciding if I would even say anything about it over social media until baby arrived.

I found myself feeling way more protective and introverted about my feelings about this pregnancy. I felt comfort in hiding behind my jackets and zip ups. I really loved my secret. I didn't like worrying the boys would bring up Max to strangers that made feel way too vulnerable again.

In a way I felt like I was letting myself down a bit. I wanted to so badly enjoy every moment and instead I found ways to avoid the conversation and really anything that came with it.

There was always an ongoing wrestling match in my brain when appointments were coming closer. My calm logical side told me to relax, things were out of my hands, and enjoy. My fearful and protective side reminded me of how things went the one time I felt like everything was okay and it wasn't. Either way, I always had a plan. Where I would go, what I would do, who would I tell if devastation struck us again.

I still continue to feel the worry of "jinxing" myself, becoming too attached again, and all the what ifs. But in this journey I continue to think of my sisters in loss, the mothers I have relied on to get me through bad days, agonizing appointments, and understand my illogical thinking. I am humbled when I remember the moms who reached out to me in their own losses and leaned on me the same way. It all reminds me that grief and loss won't get any easier for anyone--ever, but talking about it helps. It helps to know there are others out there willing to lend an ear and I hope know I am always here as well.

So, I'm writing to say that even after the storms clear and you're back to life as a new normal it's still hard. And even after the successful pregnancy and birth of another healthy baby brings back some of the joy lost to your grief before, it's still hard. And when you decide to have one more little one to complete your family, and you try to do everything right, and baby is looking healthy and well, it's still hard. But I had a break through this weekend.I had a couple days alone with Andrew last week and felt like we lived so freely. We bought a car-seat (yikes!!) and a cute onsie (bigger yikes!) but it was liberating. I still put everything away and came back into my shell of protection, but we lived a bit and enjoyed ourselves and it was really good.

So I want to live a bit more again, feel the excitement of this experience because that's what Max would've wanted. Life after loss is hard, living with grief is hard, talking about the baby you didn't bring home will always be difficult but we are so overjoyed and grateful to announce that Baby Scott #5 is on their way!