Although I have always tried to be a big "guess date" person instead of "due date" I still know what this day could have been like if Max were healthy. I can easily imagine myself, 50 lbs heavier, mismatched clothing,frazzled, 2 other kids, waiting to snap at the next person that asks if I was due last week.
|Our team wore these ribbons I created for the race.|
It's been hard to imagine what life could have been like this month, and even harder to imagine how this month could have positive things in it. But there were.
One of the biggest highlights of this month has been the TC 10 miler. What a truly amazing day. We were surrounded by so much love from others and our team. Everyone worked so hard for their own goals and yet still strived to honor our son, Max. It was such a happy day for us.
But then I had to deal with this week. As quickly as the feelings
of love, positivity, and honor flooded me and had me on cloud 9, my grief came back with a vengeance. This week emotions have been raw--reliving the end raw. I have struggled to focus, to function, to sleep. I keep thinking about Max. The last few moments I held him, kissing his sweet little face and then saying good-bye. Much of that whole experience in June was just numbing, I couldn't process it all. Now, four months later, I am being dragged back in, kicking and screaming to deal with the emotions I didn't even have in June.
I keep trying to do my normal routine but haven't been able to shake my anxiety, stress, and aggression.
But I hope I found something that will help.
I came across a Facebook post for a Bible Study called #HelloMornings. A 6-week Bible study that you begin with every morning. This session is on the book of Matthew. Essentially one wakes up early in the morning (in my case extra early) to spend sometime with God. You do a short reading, reflect and respond, do a little daily planning including 3 short goals to accomplish and finish it off with some movement. I am hoping to do a 10-15 minute yoga session.
I tend to be impulsive, so I read about it, signed up and now have it ready for tomorrow morning. Let me know if you would like to join me :). Accountability is a wonderful thing.
Just like Max's full-term, healthy birth would have been the beginning of a big-joyous change for our family, I am hoping this some positive shift in my perspectives as a bereaved mother. I envision my goals starting out as: manage my stress, staying positive, get a grocery list together, be okay with feeling sad. At he end of the 6 weeks I hope can feel more relaxed, cleansed and ready to integrate more of Max in my life without being so sad all the time. Hopefully my goals will follow suit.
Here's to hoping that the next 6 weeks are a great learning experience about myself and God.