As I wait
for baby Scott #4 to make his appearance next month I find myself anxious and
more worried than usual lately. It is hard to juggle all the mental and
emotional things that come along with expecting after loss. After I lost Max,
it truly made me feel that nothing is impossible. Unfortunately, very bad
things can happen sometimes. I am thankful for the friends I can reach out to,
the supportive husband I have, and the prayers and support I have received from
friends and family for this entire pregnancy.
A few weeks
ago I was struggling in the morning. I found myself crying over missing Max and
worried that what if I can’t bring
this baby home too. Andrew got me to shake my anxiety by taking me to the store
to buy a going home outfit for our baby boy. Also walking around a baby store
and laughing as an “experienced couple” about all the crap that baby stores
make first time parents feel like they NEED to have to survive! Doing things like
that certainly helps. Intentionally preparing and planning for baby Scott #4 after
getting waves of anxiety and grief help me find comfort and confidence. We
recently painted a nursery, got the crib set up, I even pulled out the newborn
clothing from Jack and Parker. We even toured and chose our hospital for
delivery (that was a whole other day of emotion!).
Our entire “birth
prep work” feels so magical and scary this time. I just assumed it was
something that would eventually come along with Max and then did not. So hiring
our doula, starting Hypnobabies homestudy, creating my birth plan, figuring out
a hospital for delivery have all been things that I assumed would have happened
last year and this year am very thankful that I get to do. I find myself
feeling like I’ve won the lottery when I started bi-weekly appointments or when
I got the ability to say my baby is due to arrive NEXT MONTH! The scary part is just being worried about it all crashing down.
If you
asked me what my biggest fear is I would say not being able to bring this baby
home. However, my second biggest fear would be telling my boys, especially Jack
that it didn’t work out. I try not to think about it but I just know how
excited he is for a new baby brother. I think the disappointment and confusion
on his face would certainly crush me. Again, I try to stay positive and
intentional in front of them that baby brother is doing well and there is no
reason to think he would not come home, but loss makes you very aware of the
sad potentials sometimes.
So please,
if you will, keep our family in your thoughts in this next month. That we and
especially me, can find peace and times to celebrate and relax that all is well.
That I enjoy watching Jack start school and embrace the one on one time with
Parker. Also, that we enjoy lots of time together as a family before welcoming our newest member.
