Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The Coexistence of Happiness and Grief

It’s been a while since I wrote on my blog. I always have good intentions about writing more but life, fear, and sometimes a feeling of “I just don’t want to go there today” get in the way.

I looked back recently on Facebook to realize that on 4/9/2014 we excitedly announced our pregnancy with Max with no idea of the circumstances in which we would meet him less than 2 months later.

 When we announced our pregnancy with Max, we were around 14 weeks. I was supposed to be “in the clear”.

Max was moving; we had a heartbeat, what was left? Had I worried or assumed something was terribly wrong I think everyone would've agreed I was overreacting. There was just no reason to assume we weren't going to take Max home.

Fast forward to 4/8/2015 and things are quite different and yet eerily the same.

We are pregnant again. 

We are elated, and terrified.

We have a big ultrasound tomorrow (4/9/2015) with a specialist who has been following us closely. So far everything has been well this pregnancy. We have had great ultrasounds so far. Baby’s has had a strong heartbeat and again we have no reason to assume that we won’t take this baby home.

Yet, it is very hard to live with the coexistence of happiness and grief. I have cried both tears of joy and grief, a lot. Easter was no exception. After our boys awoke to see the Easter bunny had visited I cried hard as I muttered to Andrew that there should be 3 baskets there, while still whispering to my sweet baby with me now, “I love you, and can’t wait to meet you”.

It is hard, very hard to grieve a baby who isn’t here and be joyous for another opportunity for our family to grow again. I am confident in saying that I am not replacing Max, there is just no way that I could ever replace my sweet little boy who I only got to be with for such a short time.  I am sure however, he played a significant part in sending another sweet baby to join our family and help soothe his mama’s aching heart.

This journey has been long so far. Some days just waaay too long, but I am working on finding that happy medium of grieving my lost son, and celebrating the opportunity to meet our newest.

So, I have somewhat forced myself to break down the things that I worry will “jinx” me. I told my family and Andrew’s family very early this time. I told my boys almost immediately as well. I have bought some more maternity clothes and last week even got a car seat from a friend. I want this baby to feel loved and celebrated, just like all my other babies are and were.

I feel free when I do things like that, and so far, so good.

 It’s not easy though to dive back into the idea of actually bringing this baby home. I quickly cleaned the carseat up that I got from my friend when I got home and put it down in storage. I can feel myself let go and enjoy a bit and then a little later feel a nagging tug to “not get too excited again!”

One of the biggest worries I have had is about announcing our new pregnancy publicly. It’s just not as easy as it was before and there is a lot of hope and fear that play out in my mind daily.

But since life has just not at all turned out to what I originally planned, I’m trying to go with the flow now.

So without further adieu:

Baby Scott #4 is due to join our family this fall 2015.

(Phew! That is a an intense sentence to write)

May I ask that if could please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers? 

Especially this sweet little baby that we are so hoping to take home this fall.  

Please pray that our ultrasounds go well and above all that no matter what happens that God keeps us close to him. 

As for today, we are celebrating that we are on our journey to meet Baby Scott #4!

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