As I wait for baby Scott #4 to make his appearance next month I find myself anxious and more worried than usual lately. It is hard to juggle all the mental and emotional things that come along with expecting after loss. After I lost Max, it truly made me feel that nothing is impossible. Unfortunately, very bad things can happen sometimes. I am thankful for the friends I can reach out to, the supportive husband I have, and the prayers and support I have received from friends and family for this entire pregnancy.
A few weeks ago I was struggling in the morning. I found myself crying over missing Max and worried that what if I can’t bring this baby home too. Andrew got me to shake my anxiety by taking me to the store to buy a going home outfit for our baby boy. Also walking around a baby store and laughing as an “experienced couple” about all the crap that baby stores make first time parents feel like they NEED to have to survive! Doing things like that certainly helps. Intentionally preparing and planning for baby Scott #4 after getting waves of anxiety and grief help me find comfort and confidence. We recently painted a nursery, got the crib set up, I even pulled out the newborn clothing from Jack and Parker. We even toured and chose our hospital for delivery (that was a whole other day of emotion!).
Our entire “birth prep work” feels so magical and scary this time. I just assumed it was something that would eventually come along with Max and then did not. So hiring our doula, starting Hypnobabies homestudy, creating my birth plan, figuring out a hospital for delivery have all been things that I assumed would have happened last year and this year am very thankful that I get to do. I find myself feeling like I’ve won the lottery when I started bi-weekly appointments or when I got the ability to say my baby is due to arrive NEXT MONTH! The scary part is just being worried about it all crashing down.
If you asked me what my biggest fear is I would say not being able to bring this baby home. However, my second biggest fear would be telling my boys, especially Jack that it didn’t work out. I try not to think about it but I just know how excited he is for a new baby brother. I think the disappointment and confusion on his face would certainly crush me. Again, I try to stay positive and intentional in front of them that baby brother is doing well and there is no reason to think he would not come home, but loss makes you very aware of the sad potentials sometimes.
So please, if you will, keep our family in your thoughts in this next month. That we and especially me, can find peace and times to celebrate and relax that all is well. That I enjoy watching Jack start school and embrace the one on one time with Parker. Also, that we enjoy lots of time together as a family before welcoming our newest member.